pApa paPa..

paPa..
not paparazzi..
papa, a word which i had not been saying since 5 years ago..
i know..
he reluctantly left us too..
perhaps God wanna him to live in heaven earlier..
dont wanna see him suffering here..
but i missed him..
how i wish he's still around..
then im sure he'd be proud of me..
for being a university student..
i can imagine him talking to people around him,
telling them "my youngest daughter is in usm kelantan studying audiology"
=)
though i may not be the most outstanding one,
though im just an ordinary gal,
but..
he's always be proud of me..
and,
no matter what i do..
he'd always support me..
i think he'd visit me in kelantan too whenever he's free..
=D
then everytime when i go back hometown,
im sure he'd be very happy,
riding his motorbike or maybe drive the old car,
wait for me very early before i reach to fetch me home..
and everytime when im coming back to university,
he'd be always there for me to fetch me to bus station,
carrying my luggages..
but all these are only in my imaginations..
cause he left us not even before i manage to finish my secondary school..
but i can imagine all these happening since that's his character..
=)

still remember last time when im small (about 3 years old i guess),
i always sit on his shoulder and he'd carry me everywhere..
=D
the little gal at that time did not know that one day in the future she'd grown up and he would left her..
the little gal at that time only know that happiness is being carried by papa..

then he loves to feed me with the fishballS of his 'char kuey tiaw' too..
until i feel so bored of eating it and
i remembered got once,
when he's eating the fried noodles, before he get the chances to feed me with fishball,
the words "i dont want fishball" had already slip out from my mouth..
haha..
can you imagine a small little girl of about 4 to 5 years old saying it with a firm voice?
im cute right?! =p

then when im about 5 or 6 years old i guess..
he'd ride me everywhere on his bike..
post office, bank, playground, residential areas..
then he'd take photos of me in the playground especially..
i still remember one of the photos where i look like a tomboy with a boycut hairstyle (i had asthma that's why i always go for boycut when im small that time!), wearing a dress and taking photo without smile (cause i didnt know how to smile i guess =p)..
even his friend often teased him and said
"your daughter always sit on your motor under the sun become dark dark d lo"
riding on the front seat (the basket) of the bike is so peaceful and 'xing fu'..
nothing to worries, and nothing to be afraid of..
=)
but just enjoy the nice view in front of the eyes,
enjoying in the small small town,
without knowing that i'd be in the big big world next time in the future..

then last time i used have my meals with him too..
and he would pick out all the fishbone and give me the flesh of the fish..
just flesh..and no bones..
xing fu right? =D
so when he left us,
somehow suddenly i dont know how to eat fish..
cause no one would pick the bones for me..
am i being too pampered?? =p

last time i also had some pets in my home too..
papa had a fish, tortoiseS..
i often see him feeding the fish,
keeping the tortoise which he saw at the road side and mostly he'd release them to the lake garden..
and one interesting thing is that the tortoise would look back to you after you release them into the natural..
amazing right?! =D
whereas i had a few time of trying to keep hamsterS before..
but obviously i failed and ended up starved them to death..
so cruel..
so sorry that i dont know that they need to eat every day..
dont laugh,i was young at that time la..
but it's true that im not someone caring..

but after i entered primary and secondary school,
papa get busier with his work..
we seldom spend time together like before..
and as i grow up, we talked less..
but he still showed his support no matter what i wanna do..
there's once where i was wearing a short pants or people often called it as hot pants,
then my mum was complaining to him, she said
'look at your daughter, wear so short'
at that time i thought he'd nag me too,
out of my expectation, he said
'arbo you wanna our daughter to become lou ku po meh?'
omg!
this is so surprising..
from that incident onwards, i know that he's a sporting father!!
=D
cause im someone outgoing since small, i often wanted to join activities like buddhist camps,
on my own initiative and often im alone cause friends around me are not as active (crazy+bold) as me!
then he'd always be there and support me..
cause he loves to socialize and take part in activities too..

with less and less interaction between us,
somehow we talk really less..
until after my form 3,
papa decided to put down his work and retired..
so the beginning of my form 4 life is really xing fu..
the most xing fu..
cause papa would fetch me home everyday from school due to my pack schedule of school activities and tuitions..
i still remember i'd had fever almost every month and the doctor also feels weird seeing me every month..
cause i was being too active in school,
after school i'd stay back to participate in extra koku until about 6pm,
then after that i'd tuition classes at night,
and then midnight only i'd time for school work..
with merely few hours of sleep every night (due to my poor time management too),
so i often sick..
there's once that papa didnt want to fetch me to tuition just because i was having fever and perhaps i looked exhausted too..
and at that time i was angry at him cause he didnt want to fetch me to tuition..
and just the next day..
he was in an accident..
when we reached Hospital Taiping,
he didnt look like he's seriously injured..
his body didnt have any injuries at all..
all of us thought that it was just a mild accident..
he was sent to x ray and so on..
and he didnt respond much to us too..
we cant hear him talking though we wanted to ask him what happened exactly..
then after that doctor said that he must go for brain surgery..
somehow he was in ICU,
then the weird weird doctor told my mum that if wanna donate organs then must decide quickly..
we couldnt understand what the doctor is telling us until later on only we know why the doctor say that to us..
brain death...and that's the reasons..
but somehow we just dont know that brain death means that it was hopeless already..
but somehow i just dont understand..though i was already form 4..
i dont know what is the situation actually..
then he was admitted to the normal ward,
then somehow pneumonia,
and somehow i know that papa is breathing through the machines and medicines..
he was coma..
when i look around the ward, there're lotsa patients in coma too..
i was hoping that papa would wake up..
i thought he'll..
i strongly feel he'll..
then somehow after few days (all these happened in less than 1 week),
somehow that morning, my brother said papa had passed away..
i couldnt remember much of the mourning process too..
somehow i just go through my form 4 miserably..

life would be easier if he's still around..

papa only visited me in my dream once..
he touched my head and said
'guai guai har'
then i can only see the fading image of his back..
at that time i was thinking luckily papa knows my phone number (since he's the one choosing it for me),
then he can still contact me..
somehow that's the only thing that's on my mind at that time..
(but now im awaken.)


there're so much to write about him..

and since when im small,
he'd always buy cakes for all the special occasions..
of course..
not to miss out during my special day too (^_~)
somehow im almost turning 21st!
*smile with an aching heart*
pa, i miss you..

ps: to those with a complete family, do appreciate..nothing is forever...